Lost Cause
by Fiona Bel
Summary: Alex finds a way to deal with his pain.
1. Alex and Derek

A/N: An Alex story that popped into my head. Let me know what you think. Takes place after 5x03.

**Lost Cause**

* * *

Is he broken?

Absolutely.

Is he scared?

To death.

Does it hurt?

Constantly.

Is he going to make it stop?

...

It had been a long night for Alex. After Izzie sat with him for a while at Joe's, pitying him, they both left. Separately. She had offered to go home with him, but he said he was fine. Because he knew Izzie Stevens was too good for him. And that she shouldn't be wasting her time on him.

He was a lost cause anyway.

So she went to George and Lexie's place to celebrate, while he headed home. At least, that's where he intended to go. But he found himself in the hospital, with his hand on a bottle of Oxycodone.

Would someone notice it was gone?

Probably.

Did he care?

Not at all.

So the Oxycodone remained in his hand, and once again he headed home.

After grabbing some Valium.

And Methadone.

And Cortisone.

Alex never had been good at making decisions.

When he arrived at home, Alex hurried up to his room, ignoring Derek's "Do you know if Meredith is on her way?" And he took one. What one, he didn't know, as he didn't bother to look at the bottle. Maybe he should have looked, he realized, because, being a doctor, he would have known how many he needed to take to feel it. But his mind was tired of thinking, and he laid on his bed, for how long exactly he wasn't sure, until he felt sick. On his way to the bathroom he was stopped by Derek, and Alex had to grab the wall to support himself.

"Hey have you seen Mer- What's wrong?" Derek stopped mid sentence when he noticed Alex's extremely pale complexion and saw that he could barely stand.

"Nothing, I'm just tired. Long day."

"You're drunk."

"I was at Joe's, you saw me."

"You have to work in 4 hours, do you really think it's smart to get completely wasted?"

Alex ran to the bathroom, and Derek heard him retching into the toilet.

Alex laid down on the bathroom floor. He felt like Izzie. But he hoped Izzie had never felt this way. She didn't deserve to be in this much pain.

Is he broken?

Absolutely.

Is he scared?

To death.

Does it hurt?

Constantly.

Is he going to make it stop?

Yes.


	2. Derek and Bailey

A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who read, and even more so to everyone who reviewed, I appreciate it so much. Hopefully this chapter lives up to your expectations.

Disclaimer: Nothing is mind except the idea this story is based upon (and the mistakes, as I am beta-less).

"Yang, you're with Hahn. Grey, Sloan. Karev, Shepherd-"

"Actually," Derek interrupted, "I've requested that Dr. Grey be on my service today."

"Excuse me?"

"Karev can switch to Sloan. I heard he's got plenty of charting."

Derek started to walk away and Meredith quickly caught up to him.

"Why would you do that?"

"What?"

"Request me?"

"Because I miss you." Derek gave her his McDreamy-est smile.

"Seriously," Meredith replied, in a way that meant _Don't give me that crap, why'd you _really_ do it._

"We'll talk about his later," Derek said when he saw Bailey walking towards him. "Get a full work up on Mr. Wilkins and then get an MRI." Meredith gave him a suspicious look and walked away.

"Dr. Shepherd, the chief personally asked me to assign the residents to services that they are rarely on, that they don't want to specialize in. Now I know you requested Grey because she wants Neuro, so if you think-"

"That's not why I requested her."

"Oh I see. So it's just the fact that you don't spend enough time with her at home, you have to spend every minute at work together, too."

"No it has nothing to do with her, it's Karev."

"Well in that case, leave your roommate problems at home."

"It's not that."

"Then what, Dr. Shepherd? What exactly is your problem with Alex? Sir," she added with the sarcastic tone that rarely leaves her voice.

"Nothing."

"Nothing? Nothing isn't a good reason to overrule my decision, overrule the chiefs decision, now is it?"

"It's just that, I think something wrong."

"Somethings wrong?"

"Well you know Karev better than I do, has he said anything to you?"

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd, as a matter of fact, Karev and I have sleep overs all the time. We paint each others toenails and tell our deep dark secrets."

"He says he's fine, but he is not fine."

"Of course he's not fine. It wasn't too long ago that his girlfriend told him she was pregnant, went crazy, and tried to kill herself. Anyone in this gossip-center-of-a-hospital could tell you that. But that hasn't affected his work. So stop punishing him and favoring your little girlfriend."

"It's more than that. I just have a bad feeling."

"Well a 'bad feeling' isn't a good enough reason. Pull this again and Grey won't be on your service for a while, I can guarantee it."

* * *

"What do you mean 'missing'?" DR. Bailey shouted.

The nurse remained quiet.

"'Missing' as in 'stolen'? As in, someone stole medication from the hospital. Without anyone noticing? How could you not notice?!"

"I'm sorry, Dr. Bailey."

"Oh no, you don't have to apologize to me. You can apologize to the chief. You can- Oh no."

* * *

"Dr. Shepherd," Dr. Bailey said as she held a mask over her mouth in the OR doorway.

"I'm almost finished here, Dr. Bailey."

"This is important."

Derek looked at Dr. Bailey and sat down his instrument.

"Close up for me, Dr. Grey."

Derek and Bailey walked into the scrub room.

"What is it?"

"A nurse noticed that some Valium, Oxycodone, Methadone, and Cortisone are unaccounted for."

"So tell the chief, why are you coming to me?"

"I want to wait to notify the chief."

"Why?"

"Because I think I might know who took it. But I don't want to jump to conclusions. So I need you to tell me what you think."

"Oh my God."

Dr. Bailey knew what that meant. "I'll find him."

* * *

Review, review, review! They're my motivation!


	3. Alex and Bailey

A/N: Two updates in one day!  Not sure when I'll be posting again, check my profile everyonce in a while, it usually says.  Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Disclaimer: This all belongs to Shonda Rhimes, even if sometimes she doesn't deserve it.

* * *

Dr. Bailey was running. When she ran, she had a purpose.

"If he took all those, he's dead," Derek said, trying to keep up. "If he took a combination of those, he could be dead. Depending on how many he took, he-"

"Stop saying that!" Dr. Bailey stopped briefly and turned around. "I know the possibilities, but he is fine! So _stop_ saying that!" With that, she turned and started running again, leaving Derek with a worried look on his face.

* * *

She spotted him on the third floor, heading into a empty supply closet. She called his name, but he either didn't hear her or he didn't care.

Dr. Bailey ran into the closet and was both terrified and relieved at the sight of Alex holding a bottle in his hand.

"Did you take any yet?" _Please say no._

"Yeah." _I'm sorry._

"How many?"_ I know it was at least 5._

"Four." _Six._

She grabbed his arm, dragged him into the nearest bathroom, and forced him to vomit them up.

He leaned against the wall and put his head in his hands. She turned away from him, regaining her composure. After a few minutes, she cleared her throat and turned around.

"You stole medication from the hospital."

"Did you tell the chief?"

"You could go to jail, Alex. What where you thinking? I thought I taught you better than this."

"I'm sorry."

"Do you just not care about the consequences?"

"Of course I care! I wanna keep my job, I don't want to go to jail!"

"If I don't say anything, and someone else finds out, we would both be in heaps of trouble."

"Dr. Bailey, please. It was a one time thing. A drunk, stupid mistake."

"Alex, you tried to O.D. on OxyCodone. You tried to kill yourself! Do I look stupid to you?"

"I didn't try to kill myself, I know how much is too much. It will never happen again."

Dr. Bailey sighed and closed her eyes. She needed to think. Because she had no idea what to do. "I'll make you a deal."

"Anything."

She opened her eyes. "I will keep this quiet if you promise me that you will to talk to Dr. Wyatt."

"The shrink?"

"Everyday."

"_Everyday_?"

Dr. Bailey gave Alex a look that said _I am giving you the biggest break of your life, don't you dare try to get out of it._

"Okay. Deal." Alex stood up and walked towards the door.

"Alex."

He turned around.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

_He is so not fine._

* * *

A/N: I cannot stress enough the importance of reviews.  Not only do they make me smile, but they also make me want to update!


	4. Alex and Dr Wyatt

A/N: OKay, so I'm not much of an Alex/Izzie fan, but who else fell in love with their last scene on Thursday? It put a goofy smile on my face. But don't worry, that isn't the direction this story is headed. Promise.

Disclaimer: No one is mine.

* * *

"Alex," Dr. Bailey said, and he followed her into the empty lounge. It had been 21 hours since she had found him, 21 hours since she had possibly saved his life.

Or so she thought.

"Pills."

Alex handed her the bottles. He had found the Valium and Cortisone to be useless anyways. But he liked the OxyCodone and the Methadone. So, knowing Bailey would insist he give her the pills, he switched out the OxyCodone and Methadone with Advil, hoping she wouldn't open the bottles.

She didn't.

"I made you an appointment with Dr. Wyatt today at six."

"What did you tell her?"

He hoped she hadn't said anything to her. Because his plan was to say nothing himself. So she couldn't try to make him stop. The drugs were the first things that had made him happy in a long time. Well, okay, maybe not happy. But content. Like he could breathe.

"Nothing. You're a big boy, you can tell her yourself. But Alex, if I find out that you didn't show up, I swear I will have no hesitation going to the chief. I'll certainly benefit from it."

"He was pretty mad, huh?"

"What do you think?

-----------------

"_Missing? Missing!"_

"_Yes, missing, sir."_

"_Dr. Bailey, we are number twelve!"_

"_I understand that, sir."_

"_Do you really think unaccounted for medication is going to improve our ranking?!"_

"_No, sir."_

"_Find out who took it, Dr. Bailey!"_

"_Yes, sir."_

-----------------

"Oh, by the way, you'll be charting today. All day."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, Dr. Karev. Seriously."

"I can't even work in the pit?"

"No. Charting."

"Dr. Bailey, come on, at least put me on scut."

"No! Less than twenty-four hours ago you tried to kill yourself! You shouldn't even be here!"

"But this is just for today, right?"

"Dr. Karev, it's going to be so long before you see the inside of an OR, you're going to wish you had OD'd."

* * *

"So, Alex. What would you like to talk about?"

He was sitting in Dr. Wyatt's office, staring aimlessly into the fish tank. What was he supposed to say to her? _'I stole drugs from the hospital, Dr. Bailey caught me, and she promised not to send me to jail if I taked to you. So I'm here, but I'm not going to stop using the drugs because I have issues. What issues? Oh, well I got excited because I thought I was going to be a father, but it turns out it was a hysterical pregnancy, and my girlfriend tried to kill herself. My dad used to hit my mom, and eventually I grew some balls and kicked his ass. I haven't seen him since. My mom went totally crazy, too, and I tried to fix her but I just made it worse. I've let down more people in my life than I can count, so I just want some drugs to take the edge off.'_

No, not talking would be better.

"I don't want to talk, actually."

"Why did Dr. Bailey make you an appointment?"

Alex didn't say anything.

"Okay, I can wait. We'll talk when you're ready."

The hour ticked by slowly. After thirty-seven minutes, Alex found himself counting the seconds. Finally, the hour was over, without another word being said.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Alex."

* * *

At the end of her shift, Dr. Bailey walked into the residents lounge to find Alex sitting alone on the bench.

"How did it go?"

"Fine."

"So how are you?"

"Fine," and he walked out.

Alex hated lying to people. He hated lying to Dr. Bailey. But he wasn't lying. He was going home to breathe. He was fine.

* * *

A/N: Soooo...... What do you think? Please let me know!


	5. Alex and Meredith

A/N: Soooo, not only am I giving you the longest chapter yet to make up for the long delay, but I am also promising you that the next chapter will be up very soon, as its already written on paper, just need to take the time to type it.

Enjoy!

(Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.)

* * *

13 days.

That's 312 hours.

And 98 of those hours had been painless.

In those 13 days, he had had 13 sessions with Dr. Wyatt.

And he had said a total of 19 words to her.

And in those 13 days, he learned that he was beginning to build up a tolerance, which he had expected. He learned what time it is best to take them, knowing that the effects may not completely wear off for up to 12 hours. But he also knew that it peaked after only an hour, so he would be able to easily go to work without anyone noticing after 4-6 hours.

And in those 98 hours of content, only one person had become suspicious. On day 7.

- - - - - - - -

_It was raining. Izzie had gone to work early, no longer waiting for Alex. They had grown apart in the last few weeks, which was Alex's fault but he didn't care. She would never think of him as anything more than an ass anyways._

_Meredith called for him from the bottom of the stairs, but was met with no response. She trotted up the stairs and into his bedroom , where she saw him lying on his bed, eyes open in small slits._

"_Alex, we're gonna be late. Alex?" She walked over to his bed and noticed that his breathing was shallow._

"_Alex? Alex!" She put her fingers on his cold, clammy skin and searched for a pulse._

"_What?"_

"_Alex! You scared the shit outta me! What's wrong, are you okay?"_

"_Fine."_

"_You don't seem fine."_

"_I think I'm comin' down with a cold or something." He stood up, but sat back down on the edge of the bed when his head started spinning._

"_Are you sure you're okay?"_

"_Yeah, Mer, I'm fine."_

"'_Cause you know you can tell me. You would tell me right? If anything was wrong, you would tell me?"_

"_Yeah. Of course."_

"_Okay. Do you want to stay home today? I'll tell the chief you're sick."_

"_No, I'll be fine." _

"_Okay."_

_- - - - - - - -_

And that was it. No mention of it ever again.

But while he hadn't gone 13 days without drugs, he had gone 13 days without surgery. Without even being allowed into the doing charts and a few sutures_. _When he asked Dr. Bailey when he would be allowed to scrub in, she simply answered "When I think you're ready. Now stop bothering me." Not wanting to dig himself into a deeper hole, he usually obeyed.

* * *

Alex sat on the tan couch for the fourteenth time. He expected this visit to be like all the others. She would ask him a few different questions and he would respond with either silence or a monosyllabic had learned to do things to pass the time, like trying to remember the entire periodic table to show up Lexie.

_Hydrogen, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium, Boron, Carbon, Nitrogen, Oxygen, Fluorine, Neon-_

"Alex, do you want to be here?"

Great. More questions.

"I'm sure you know that Meredith Grey comes to see me. And while I won't tell you what we discuss, I will tell you that she came here willingly, but said nothing for the first few sessions. But after she started talking, she made so much progress."

Alex looked up at her but remained silent. She stared at him, her eyes urging him to say something, but after a moment she went back to her paper work.

Thirty minutes later, Meredith burst into the room.

"Dr. Wyatt, I- Oh," she said, acknowledging Alex's presence. "Sorry." And she turned around and left.

Alex sat there for a brief second, then stood up. "I gotta go."

* * *

Meredith's shift had ended an hour ago, and she had spent that entire time searching for Alex. She finally found him in a supply closet, sitting in a corner, charting.

"What are you doing?"

"Charting."

"Why?"

"Because it's all I ever do."

"I mean, why are you doing it in a closet?

"I don't know."

She sat down beside him. "Want some help?"

"Your shifts over, you should go home."

She grabbed a chart. "I'd rather do this. Derek's on-call tonight anyways. What else do I have to do?"

They sat there together and charted in silence. Finally, Meredith got the courage to talk.

"Look, about today, in Dr. Wyatt's office. I won't say anything."

"Thanks."

"Is she helpful?"

"We don't really talk."

She paused. "I know what it's like, going in there, not being able to say anything. But once you finally give her a little piece, it gets easier. You can work your way up to the big stuff. Just start out with the little things."

He looked at her.

"It gets easier, Alex."

They looked at each other, and he didn't have to say the words _thank you _for her to get the message. That's what he liked about her. She understood him.

Maybe she was right. Maybe it did get easier. And maybe eventually he wouldn't need the drugs anymore.

Maybe someday.

Maybe.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading. Review please!


	6. Alex and Tessa

A/N: Really short chapter, but I thought it needed to stand on its own.

Disclaimer: Everything is someone elses.

* * *

Three days after his talk with Meredith, Alex walked into Dr. Wyatt's office after a difficult shift. He sat on the couch and stared at his hands, just like every other sessions. But he wanted this one to be different. He wanted Meredith to be right, he wanted it to get easier. And he definitely needed something to make him feel better about today. If talking didn't work, he had other options.

"I got to scrub in today for the first time since-" Alex stopped himself, almost forgetting Dr. Bailey hadn't told her about the drugs. "Well, it's been a while. And there was this little girl, Tessa. And she was dying. We told her parents that they had to decide if they wanted us to operate or not. But they let her decide. She was 5 years old, and they let her make a life or death decision. And she said she wanted the surgery. I mean, she was 5 years old! Five year olds don't even know what surgery is! So the parents gave consent, and she died. She died on the table, with my hand in her stomach. If she hadn't had the surgery, she could have had a good couple of months." He paused for a moment as he wiped away a tear. He hadn't anticipated breaking down like this.

"Her birthday's in 8 days. She wanted a green My Little Pony. And a sparkly tutu, and a Hannah Montana doll. She could have had all those things if her parents had said no to the surgery. They cold have saved her life, for a few months at least, but she died. Eight days before her 6th birthday."

A case had never hit him this hard. Not Scott, the kid who's dad hit his mom, not even Ava. He imagined what Bailey would say if she saw him crying over a patient. He got too emotionally involved. But who couldn't get emotionally involved when a 5 year old girl is telling you what she wants for her birthday. When she says _"I know you'll fix me, Alex."_ When she looks at you with her big green eyes and a smile that's one tooth short. It was the first tooth she had lost._ "It got stuck in my ice cream cone,"_ she explained. And he had said one of the worst things you can say to a patient. _"I won't let anything happen to you, I promise."_ Alex hated lies. Especially the one he had told a 5 year old girl.

* * *

Review please!

Happy Thursday!


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